‘The Golden Bachelorette’ showcases widow Joan Vassos dating. It’s ‘completely normal’ to want to find love after loss, says a fellow widow

Whitney Lyn Allen is intimately familiar with the desire to find love after loss. In October 2021, a then-35-year-old Allen was pregnant with her second child when her husband, Ryan, died following complications from a severe allergic reaction to a bee sting.

The former attorney-turned-grief counsellor and author’s life was upended by loss. But she embraced the possibility of love again — and is now engaged.

“There are many reasons people want to date after losing a spouse,” Allen tells Yahoo Canada. “It’s the most natural thing in the world, especially if you’ve had a healthy relationship or marriage. To crave emotional, mental and physical stability and intimacy again is completely normal.”

Dating after the death of a partner is a familiar topic in mainstream media, particularly through scripted TV series like And Just Like That… and Grey’s Anatomy. However, dating as a widow is set to take centre-stage in the premiere of The Golden Bachelorette. The latest iteration of the reality dating series will follow Joan Vassos, a 61-year-old grandmother whose husband of 32 years died in 2021 from pancreatic cancer.

“Mainstream media representation helps challenge the stereotype that grief should last indefinitely and de-stigmatizes moving forward after losing a partner,” says Krista Roesler, a Toronto-based registered psychologist.

But how do you begin the process of finding love? We asked Allen and Roesler to weigh in.

How soon is too soon to start dating again after the death of a partner?

Allen and Roesler both receive questions about dating after loss, but one of the most common questions people have usually surrounds timing. Some might ask, “How do you know when you’re ready to date again?”

Allen suggests a better question might be whether you have a “healthy curiosity around the experience of opening up your heart again,” even at the risk of heartbreak.

“It means you’re opening up your heart again to possibly be hurt, whether through a breakup or another loss,” she says.

Roesler advises taking time to process emotions before stepping back into dating. “It’s important to progress to the acceptance stage of grief. Once the feelings become less intense, you may have the space to welcome someone new into your life,” she suggests.

For Allen, who’s the author of “Running in Trauma Stilettoes: A Raw Glimpse at Grief and Life After Loss,” the decision to move forward was intentional. She met her now-fiancé on a dating app. “I was curious about the dating scene. I wanted to feel alive again, to have a night where I wasn’t just a widow or a mom. I didn’t expect to find my next husband so soon, but when you meet someone who makes sense, it just happens.”

‘It’s not a competition’

People may be surprised by how often they make comparisons between their new partner and their deceased spouse. Allen says this is common and completely normal. “You’re human. … Making comparisons doesn’t mean one person or relationship is better than another. It’s human nature and it’s going to happen.”

Finding someone who will be understanding and sensitive to your grief is key. Allen says there are times when the person grieving will need more support, especially during difficult times like anniversaries or birthdays.

“It’s about allowing yourself to accept this new life, the new love for this new person, while also letting the love for the person who’s no longer here coexist,” she says, cautioning that being in a new relationship doesn’t diminish the love for the one lost. “It’s not a competition; both loves can exist at once.”

Allen credits her fiancé for being her steady support but acknowledges she alone was “responsible for her grief.” Open communication was key to their bond. “I expressed what I needed; he’s not a mind reader. We had honest conversations and realistic expectations, even when it meant tackling uncomfortable topics,” she adds.

“But at the end of the day, he chose me and my boys, fully aware of the complexities that come with being part of a family living with grief and trauma.”

Roesler says it’s key for couples to be able to talk about loss without their partner taking it personally. “Be patient and avoid having any expectations about the process. It will take time, and they might not have much to give while coping with the loss.”

Balancing grief and new love — and the stigma

Building a new relationship while grieving the loss of a previous partner can be challenging. However, Allen says it’s not about balancing but allowing both relationships to coexist. “It’s giving yourself grace to feel intense emotions and having the courage to be honest in your new relationship about what you’re feeling and what you need.”

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for people to receive judgement from friends and family once they begin dating again. Roesler says it’s important to understand it’s their problem — not yours. “You can’t please everyone. Your job isn’t to please anyone but yourself,” she explains. “The person who matters most in this choice is you because you are the only one who has to live your life and deal with the consequences.”

Along with publishing two books on loss, Allen has chosen to document her grief through social media. Though her close family was supportive of her moving forward, the outside world wasn’t always as kind. She shares she’s been subjected to criticism by strangers on the internet: “Comments like ‘you must not have loved your husband’ or questioning if my baby was my husband’s — just unkind things. It’s absurd. There’s no perfect amount of time to start dating again, and it’s not for anyone else to determine.

“Some people believe that widows and widowers should remain single out of loyalty and respect for their deceased partner. I disagree. I think love and respect can be found in new relationships.”

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