Untwisting your relationship with money can take years of therapy.
For me, overhearing tense financial conversations between my mom and dad when I was a kid triggered me to throw up a wall when my husband would initiate money talks, or I simply avoided them. I’m a work in progress, but recognizing the source of my angst has made all the difference.
Aja Evans, a board-certified therapist specializing in financial therapy, knows all about that dance. Her mission: to help people dig inward to understand the roots of how their finances spark their emotions, learn to change that behavior, and manage their money with poise and tenacity.
Here’s what Evans had to say about how recognizing the psychological power of money in our lives can set us up for financial success in a conversation with Yahoo Finance’s Kerry Hannon. Edited excerpts:
Kerry Hannon: Who is this book for?
Aja Evans: My target reader is women because a lot of times they’ve been socialized not to talk about money and grew up without the information. They’re living their lives and going to work every day and feeling weird about their money and not understanding why they don’t know how to invest in the way they think that they should, or why it’s hard sometimes to keep on top of their budget.
One nugget that came out early in the book is how we deal with money forms between the ages of 7 and 9. Can you elaborate?
Research suggests that’s the age range when people are really forming their money beliefs. What you believe about money and how it makes you feel, you pick up from people around you as you grow up. It could be your parents, different family members, school friends. That’s when you’re starting to formulate the foundation of your money beliefs that then can potentially carry you through adulthood.
You give an example of a woman who was a hoarder of her savings and fearful of even buying a car for herself. What was that all about?
Her household growing up was unstable, and holding onto her money gave her security and made it difficult to spend the money when she really did need something.
How did you help her recognize it and make changes?
We worked on realizing that she can spend this money and still be stable. She didn’t have to blow her whole savings. Being able to afford to buy the car is about stability as well. It was shifting her perspective on what stability can look like. Yes, you have the money. You have enough money for your emergency fund, but you also have enough money to buy the car too. And that will also make sure that you’re safe, that you’re stable, that you can get to work.
You pose reflection questions to help us explore our feelings about money. What are a few that you consider particularly important and why?
One is what’s your earliest money memory? These core memories that you hold can help you uncover how those impact you today. I ask: Are they hindering you in any way? Or do you feel like they are driving you forward? Are they still values that hold true, or are they some things that may be hindering you because you could do different things with your money, or grow your money in a different way, but it feels frightening?
People get so worked up that they don’t do it at all. They think: ‘I’m overwhelmed. I’m so anxious, I’m going to walk away. I’m not going to do it.’
I also ask: What do you need to feel more confident with your money? Is that a community to have more conversations about it? Is it feeling like you can trust people to have those conversations? Is it personal finance education to start feeling like you know what you’re talking about?
For a lot of women, knowing what they’re talking about is important to be comfortable taking on the risk of investing, or even making a budget.
Many times people don’t realize that they are trying to cope with how they feel about themselves, or wanting other people to see them in a certain way.
I use the acronym HALT. Are you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? That can allow you to see if you are trying to cope with something that you’re going through internally or emotionally by spending money. Are you buying things because you’re really angry at somebody, or because you’re lonely right now and looking for that quick dopamine hit?
Aja Evans, author of “Feel Good Finance: Untangle Your Relationship with Money for Better Mental, Emotional, and Financial Well-Being.” (Photo courtesy of Aja Evans) ·(photo courtesy of Aja Evans)
You write about the mash-up of net worth and self-worth. Can you explain?
This comes up so frequently with my clients — especially since my practice is based in New York City. It’s a very competitive city and what ends up happening is people are seeking the external validation of their salaries and their titles that tell them that they’re valuable.
I flip that and work with people to realize that you’re valuable no matter what you’re making. You’re valuable no matter what your net worth is, and that you can have good self-esteem and be a worthy human no matter what your net worth is.
I have an example in the book of a woman who was offered a job she really wanted to take, but it was a huge pay cut from her previous job. She wrestled with that, and we worked on the emotional and psychological aspects of her decision. She ultimately took the job, and she learned to shift her spending. She began finding value in herself when she wasn’t hiding behind what she was able to buy.
How does understanding ourselves help us with our relationship to money?
People struggle with shame and guilt around money. Those are the top two feelings that I talk about with my clients when it comes to money, and they’re dealing with it in isolation, white knuckling it through, especially if they are struggling financially or made some financial mistakes. The work is to start understanding where that negative talk is coming from.
You can’t get there unless you understand what your own motivations are, what you value and what your money beliefs are.
Anything you would like to add?
It’s imperative that women are in a position to know what’s going on with their finances. That is all about options. I want you to save. I want your retirement to look good so that you can ride off into the sunset and have a beautiful life. But I also want you to be able to invest in people, communities, charities, companies that you really want to see make a difference in the world. And we cannot do that if we don’t have the money because money is power.
